Survivor Recap: I Don’t Like Colton

March 7, 2012 by [Fight Pastor]

I have watched Survivor religiously ever since Rodger Bingham conquered his fear of heights and cliff dived into the river during Survivor Australia. I am one of the few people who remember Brian Heidik for winning Survivor and not for his other escapades. I still remember Boston Rob’s first season and wondering why he was even invited to the first All-Star Season. I have seen EVERY episode of Survivor at least twice. This probably qualifies me for some sort of support group. I have applied to be on Survivor four times. So it goes without saying that I am a super fan. I know this is sad but at least I am honest.

All that to say, I have NEVER disliked a contestant more than I do Colton. At this weeks final tribal council Tarzan tried to defend Colton. He even claimed that Colton is being painted in a bad light. Jeff Probst almost asked point blank what most of America was wondering, “Who has painted Colton in a worse light than Colton?” We are only four episodes (or 9 days) into the season and Colton has already called Bill “ghetto trash” and Leif “munchkin” and “oompa loompa.”

Without boring you with a detailed recap of what happened during this episode, the men’s tribe made the single worst decision a tribe has ever made. Survivor fanatics rail on a tribe that throws a challenge. Winning immunity and then giving it away to your enemy tribe is just STUPID!

I can’t believe that all 8 men on the tribe agreed to this horrible decision. How could Bill agree? Did he actually think agreeing was going to save him? I literally watched the final 15 minutes of this episode with my jaw on the ground. You have to ask, is this men’s tribe the worst conglomeration of Survivor contestants ever? How could they of let this happen?

Then I pause and realize….Colton. Now that Matt is gone, he is the alpha male. He is in absolute control. He is a tyrannical dictator. The last season of Survivor we watched Boston Rob dominate from beginning to end. He was at least a benevolent dictator. Tom Westmann dominated his season, he was a humble dictator. Even Russell Hantz showed loyalty to some people.

Never in the history of Survivor has an immunity idol wielded more power than it is this season. Colton’s idol has literally paralyzed the rest of his tribe into submission. I think that is the most shocking part of this episode. Colton bared all of his true colors at tribal council. His interaction with, a very classy, Bill was horrible. He made it clear his intentions. He made it clear his twisted world view. He made it clear he is immature. He made it clear he will lash out at anyone who crosses him.

The fact that no one on his tribe stood up and put him in his place is amazing. As I am sure most of America did, I sat there shocked as no one even voted for him. I was amazed.

If you watched this episode I am sure you agree. Colton hate has blown up on Twitter and Facebook. I am sure by tomorrow dozens of blogs will be written echoing the same sentiments as this one.

My irrational rant is over. I apologize for how erratic this was.

Since I got all that off my chest, here is another view….

I had an idea awhile ago. I was imagining if I was on Survivor what type of strategy I would implement. Reflecting on the last Redemption Island season and Philip making it to the end I began to wonder. What would have happened if Philip would have announced at the final tribal council that he was just acting. That in reality he is a very sane person but was pretending to be crazy because he knew everyone would bring him to the end. That is the goal, make it to the end and give yourself a shot to win. What if this had been confirmed throughout the season in his confessionals. Philip would have gone from being one of the craziest contestants ever to one of the most brilliant. The entire audience would have been in on the facade. We would have been cheering for him. I actually think he would have won had that actually been his strategy.

I have always wondered if I was on Survivor if I could pull off the pretend to be crazy strategy. Announce I was playing everyone at the end. Win the respect of the jury and pull out a million dollar victory. I quickly concluded (and was reminded by my wife) that I am a horrible liar. I couldn’t keep up the charade longer than a couple episodes. I would then be exposed, voted off immediately, and have to live the rest of my life in shame.

But what if…..this is Colton’s ploy. Play the tyrannical dictator. Play the worst villain in Survivor history. Convince your fellow contestants to take you to the end. Then at the Final Tribal Council announce in reality you aren’t really an evil gay republican who grew up with wealth and an African American housekeeper, but, in actuality, you are a sweet married father of two who makes a living working as a social worker in the inner city.

Anything is possible. Lets be honest, any thing less than this type of revelation and Colton ends this season as the most hated contestant in Survivor history.

Move over Russell there is a new devil in town.

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Survivor One World: The Anti-Girl Power

February 23, 2012 by [Fight Pastor]

Another season of one of my favorite shows (it has been replaced as my favorite by Hawaii Five 0) is underway. The first episode started well but ended with a thud. Seeing the first contestant not voted out but being forced out due to injury is very anti-climactic. It was difficult to formulate any sort of opinions after the season opener so I decided to give it a week.

This weeks episode was much better. If you are reading this you must sort of wonder what I think so here are my initial thoughts.

  • I was initially nervous about the One World gimmick. I figured the young guys would hook up with the young girls, get manipulated and the season would eventually turn into Temptation Island. Fortunately this is the 21st Century and chivalry is dead. Watching the guys thrive and REFUSE to help the girls makes for awesome television. In real life I am all for chivalry but in Survivor I want my contestants cut throat. Love it!
  • This cast of girls is so sad. You can tell by the casting that the producers were expecting the Temptation Island reboot because they assembled a group of women who have no reason camping yet alone playing Survivor. My prediction is the producers will split up the tribes within the next three episodes before the women are totally eliminated.
  • If they do a tribal switch three women show a moderate amount of promise. Chelsea, Kim, and Sabrina have the best chance to make it to the end.
  • Other girl thoughts. Monica is a good player but will get booted soon because she isn’t in the popular girl crowd. Kat will likely get lost searching for a banana never to be seen again. Christina is going to get voted out the next episode once the girls lose another immunity challenge. Alicia will be the first girl voted off post merge because she is so annoying.
  • I love the casting of the guys. We not only got one but two guys that want to be called Tarzan. (Troyzan tribute pictured above.) Lief is the best little person on Survivor since Russell Hantz. Bill’s lame British accent as he MC’ed the reward challenge is a small glimpse of what we can expect from him this season. Who is Jonas?
  • It is awesome to have a normal person from the Seattle area on this season of Survivor. Our previous representatives from the Emerald City have been Shambo and the ever popular Willard Smith. How does a 50 year old woman with a mullet and a 60 year old bald lawyer with hoop earrings represent the Northwest? Along comes Michael! I am a huge Michael fan because I know his older sister very well. (In fact, I am performing her wedding this fall!) Michael seems to have great game. Unfortunately, I think he is going to be the first guy voted off because of….
  • Colton. He is so incredibly annoying. Sabrina gave him an immunity idol which he will likely use to get Michael (or possibly Matt) voted off. I loved watching Colton wear out his welcome with the girls. Colton has no chance to win. He is way too irritating to ever win a jury vote.

My final thought…..does anyone else think that Jeff Probst needs a vacation? He seems so irritable. The girls have lost 3 challenges in a row. Many tribes in many seasons of Survivor have lost 3 challenges in a row. But, we have never heard Jeff belittle a tribe like he has these women. I agree, they are an embarrassment. They may be single handedly putting the woman’s right movement back 10 years. Did they really deserve his patronizing lecture at the final tribal council? His best lines…

“There are no women at home going ‘Go women’s tribe!’”

“It’s almost like I’m talking to 6th graders…”

“You have never failed because you have never put yourself in a position to fail.”

My predictions…

Christina will be the next woman voted off.

Michael will be the first man voted off.

If there is a tribal mix up, Chelsea or Kim will win the game.

If there is no tribal mix up, Troyzan or Jay win.

I am going out on a limb and saying Troyzan wins the season. No real reason other than I like saying Troyzan.

So what do you think of the season?

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Revenge of the Nerd

November 3, 2011 by [Fight Pastor]

What a difference a week can make in Survivor. Last week it looked like Cochran was sure to be the next one sent to Redemption Island and eventually pummeled by Christine in whatever duel they’d have. But Ozzy has a dream and sends himself to Redemption Island. The real question leading up to yesterdays episode was did Ozzy make a horrible mistake? I boldly predicted that he was destined to lose the duel and be ousted from the game. I was dead wrong! Ozzy dominated the duel and was back in the game. Ozzy may be a challenge dominator but he cannot act.

The rest of this episode was all about the ultimate underdog, Cochran. (A buddy of mine predicted everything that would happen in this episode and was right. Kudos to Scott.)

Since the episode was all about Cochran’s comeback so will this blog. I am not sure how long Cochran will last but he will at least have this episode.

Cochran meets with Coach and announces his rebirth. He tells Coach that he was on the outs with his tribe and wanted to work with Savaii. Coach, continuing to show an amazing amount of game, saw right through it. Coach called him out on their plan and even knew Cochran had an idol in his pocket. Survivor conspirists will say producers gave Coach a heads up. I don’t buy it. Coach and his tribe figured it out. Best move of the day for Coach was after calling Cochran out then playing his own insecurities against him. Coach pulled the “I know you’ve been picked on your whole life” pep talk and invited Cochran to REALLY flip.

Cochran decides to go for it. He lets Coach’s tribe know everything about his tribes plan. He then convinces his own tribe that he is still with them. (Giving Ozzy back the idol was a great move. It convinced Ozzy and his tribe that Cochran was with them.)

Cochran then spent the rest of the episode telling Coach’s tribe everything that his tribe was doing, the whole while continuing to lie to his own tribe. That leads us to tribal council.

Cochran flips and his old tribe flips out. When his tribe realized that he had backstabbed them Cochran tried to talk his way out of it. Jim then calls Cochran a coward…..twice. I, personally, think flipping on his tribe was the OPPOSITE of being cowardly. It would have been easier to stick with his tribe. Coach’s tribe would have been disappointed but not vindictive. Flipping took guts! Ozzy and Jim are going to make his life miserable. So gutsy yes, cowardly no.

So go Cochran. You shook up the game….for a week.

Here is my prediction for next week:

Cochran becomes polarizing. His old tribe is going to make his life a living hell. His new alliance is going to jump to his defense. I can hear Brandon Hantz now defending Cochran against the horrible injustice. Brandon’s pious attitude is going to rub Jim very wrong. This is going to cause HUGE tribal tension all because of little old Cochran. I believe the tension will be thick enough to cut with a knife. It is going to be awesome to watch!

Jim will get voted off next week.

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Seriously, This All REALLY Happened

October 27, 2011 by [Fight Pastor]

Last week on Survivor we were given an image of Russell Hantz. The producers felt that was appropriate as his nephew, Brandon Hantz, was marching around the beach trying to find an idol. The only thing this insane episode of Survivor was missing was several images of Eliza Orlins. Eliza is most famous for her looks of shock and horror at tribal councils. This episode was so full of classic moments that it could have only been enhanced by Eliza’s wow-these-people-are-stupid looks.

I found three events, in particular, Eliza worthy.

Coach has been playing a respectable Survivor game. I can’t believe I just typed that. Coach playing a good game? The next thing you know Harold Camping will be right…. Coach realizes that his tribe is getting divided. While doing Coach-chi ankle deep in water he concocts a scheme. Have a group hidden immunity idol hunt. The only problem with this plan was that Coach already found the idol. To make matters worse both Sophie and Albert know about it. So Coach has to convince Sophie and Albert to play along.

Coach gathers his whole tribe together and announces the idol hunt. But that is not all. He gathers his tribe into a prayer circle and asks God to help them find the idol. Now I know that Coach is likely a Christian man. He likely prays sincerely on a regular basis. I’m even willing to bet that his faith is an important part of his life. But using prayer to manipulate his tribe is pretty tacky. Sophie called him out in a confessional about it. Wouldn’t you have liked to have been a fly on the wall at crazy Brandon Hantz’s house when he watched this episode?

So Coach false finds the idol and announces it to his tribe. This was the unifying event that swept them into victory in the upcoming immunity challenge. Which leads me to the next Eliza moment of the night.

The immunity challenge itself wasn’t that interesting. Things that happened during it were though. The tribes divided themselves up into pairs. They did this to somehow tie in the sponsorship of an Adam Sandler movie Jack and Jill. Jeff Probst tried his best to make us believe that an Adam Sandler movie had some sort of metaphorical connection with the challenge. It was a losing effort. He would have been better off saying, “Not enough people watch Survivor anymore so we have to increase our revenue by blatant corporate sponsorships during episodes.”

Anyways, Savaii ends up losing the immunity challenge because Cochran is the worst physical competitor in Survivor history. Only Cochran could make Sandra seem like an Olympic athlete! Cochran couldn’t untangle a rope and re-attach his tribemates to it. This somewhat physical act must have been so simple that we weren’t even given the opportunity to see the other team do it. For Cochran, the Harvard educated Cochran, this simple act was more difficult than rocket science. He was so embarrassingly bad  that Jeff Probst commented about it.

After his tribe lost, Ozzy through a kanipchen fit. (I don’t really know what a kanipchen fit is but I had a friend growing up who would throw a colossal temper trantrum and his mom called it a kanipchen fit. That is the only accurate description for Ozzy’s tirade.) Ozzy ran around hitting and kicking things. The only thing he didn’t hit, Cochran, was the one thing he really wanted to hit. Ozzy’s tirade against Cochran’s performance lasted late into the night. It also brought Cochran to the point of tears.

I can’t forget that after Coach’s team won the challenge he gathered his whole team into a prayer circle, had them get on their knees, and thanked God for the victory. You read that right. No, I am not joking. Coach really had his tribe do that.

Like I said, the challenge was ordinary but the extracurricular activities were Eliza worthy.

One thing we know about Ozzy from his previous two seasons on Survivor, he likes to win. He is a challenge dominator. His downfall has always been his strategic game. I am now willing to go out on a limb and say while Cochran might be the worst physical competitor in Survivor history, Ozzy is likely the worst strategic player in Survivor history.

Ozzy comes back from the immunity challenge and verbally abuses Cochran. He brings him to tears. He announces to his tribe that Cochran must go! Of course, the entire tribe agrees. My 89 year old grandma would be more of a help in challenges than Cochran. It was amusing to watch Cochran’s tribe try to pump him up for his impending Redemption Island challenge. They all put on their best Tony Robbin’s hats and tried to motivate him to dominate Christine once he gets there. But lets be honest, Cochran couldn’t beat my 80lb daughter arm wrestling even if he had taken steroids and downed a dozen 5 hour energies.

So it looks like Cochran is going to Redemption Island to inevitably lose to Christine and head back to his couch where he will sit for the remainder of his life. But no, Ozzy has a dream that he should go to Redemption Island instead. YES, A DREAM! I have had stupid dreams before, I typically blame it on the bad pepperoni pizza I had the night before. Ozzy then convinces his tribe to vote him out instead. If Eliza would have been at this tribal council her jaw would have literally fallen off!

So Ozzy gets his wish and sprints off to Redemption Island. Oh, I forgot to mention, before he left he gave his hidden immunity idol to Cochran.

Seriously, he did.

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Will America Love a Sane Coach?

September 29, 2011 by [Fight Pastor]

This is turning into a pretty interesting season. Surprisingly not because of something insane Coach has done. Who would have thought that another Hantz would upstage Coach on another season of Survivor! First, Russell completely outplays him and has him voted out of the game. This season, Coach is being out-crazied by Brandon Hantz. Little Hantz is so mentally disturbed that he is actually making Coach the voice of reason and the picture of sanity.

Consider Russell’s nephew’s bizarre psychosis during this episode. It began with his guilt overwhelming him. He had to tell his tribe who he really was. He calls a tribe meeting (something that I am predicting becomes a habit), pulls off his shirt revealing an assortment of poorly done tattoos (That long horn tattoo is terrible! His tats should be used as a reason why anyone under the age of 21 should not be allowed to have ink applied to their body.) and announces he’s Russell’s nephew. Stacey was so shocked by the news that she swatted away invisible flies from her face.

Crazy Little Hantz then follows this bout of insanity by attacking poor Mikayla again. Mikayla asked him why he wanted her voted out. She has no clue why. Brandon then bluntly tells her he doesn’t like her. Mikayla is shocked since EVERYONE loves lingerie football players. What she doesn’t realize is Brandon has been eerily eyeing her all season. I bet if she knew she would BEG to get voted off and run as far away from her psycho stalker as possible. Brandon decides the best way to handle his conflict with Mikayla is to call another tribe meeting. He attacks poor Mikayla publicly again and boldly announces to everyone in the tribe to stop involving him in all the drama! Best line so far this season. The sole cause of all the drama accusing the entire tribe of forcing him to be involved in all the drama.

This all ends with Mikayla crying. Brandon is so brutal relationally that he brings a girl that could likely beat him up in a fist fight to tears!

The other tribe also had their share of crazy in the form of a spoken word artist named Semhar. I hope Semhar only writes poetry as a hobby because she is awful. Right before her Redemption Island challenge against Christine, she psyched herself up with a sonnet. Unfortunately it was so inappropriate I had to follow it up with a discussion of the birds and bees with my scarred twin boys. In a spoken word that made Jeff Probst gasp, she announced she would take off her clothes and give her lover a private show AND that she would have 10 babies with no drugs for him.  Who says stuff like this on a family reality show? And does anyone else agree that this woman has no business raising 10 kids?

Semhar followed up her spoken artist performance (I use the word artist very liberally) with an even worse performance in the challenge. Semhar, possibly the worst contestant in Survivor history, is the first contestant voted out.

Coach is my player of the week and I am shocked to type that. I didn’t think it was possible for Coach to play a subtle, strategic, physical game. I think he is in a great position to make a run deep into this season. (I can’t believe I am writing that.) Wouldn’t it be amusing if Coach wins Survivor and Russell never does?

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