Last week on Survivor we were given an image of Russell Hantz. The producers felt that was appropriate as his nephew, Brandon Hantz, was marching around the beach trying to find an idol. The only thing this insane episode of Survivor was missing was several images of Eliza Orlins. Eliza is most famous for her looks of shock and horror at tribal councils. This episode was so full of classic moments that it could have only been enhanced by Eliza’s wow-these-people-are-stupid looks.

I found three events, in particular, Eliza worthy.

Coach has been playing a respectable Survivor game. I can’t believe I just typed that. Coach playing a good game? The next thing you know Harold Camping will be right…. Coach realizes that his tribe is getting divided. While doing Coach-chi ankle deep in water he concocts a scheme. Have a group hidden immunity idol hunt. The only problem with this plan was that Coach already found the idol. To make matters worse both Sophie and Albert know about it. So Coach has to convince Sophie and Albert to play along.

Coach gathers his whole tribe together and announces the idol hunt. But that is not all. He gathers his tribe into a prayer circle and asks God to help them find the idol. Now I know that Coach is likely a Christian man. He likely prays sincerely on a regular basis. I’m even willing to bet that his faith is an important part of his life. But using prayer to manipulate his tribe is pretty tacky. Sophie called him out in a confessional about it. Wouldn’t you have liked to have been a fly on the wall at crazy Brandon Hantz’s house when he watched this episode?

So Coach false finds the idol and announces it to his tribe. This was the unifying event that swept them into victory in the upcoming immunity challenge. Which leads me to the next Eliza moment of the night.

The immunity challenge itself wasn’t that interesting. Things that happened during it were though. The tribes divided themselves up into pairs. They did this to somehow tie in the sponsorship of an Adam Sandler movie Jack and Jill. Jeff Probst tried his best to make us believe that an Adam Sandler movie had some sort of metaphorical connection with the challenge. It was a losing effort. He would have been better off saying, “Not enough people watch Survivor anymore so we have to increase our revenue by blatant corporate sponsorships during episodes.”

Anyways, Savaii ends up losing the immunity challenge because Cochran is the worst physical competitor in Survivor history. Only Cochran could make Sandra seem like an Olympic athlete! Cochran couldn’t untangle a rope and re-attach his tribemates to it. This somewhat physical act must have been so simple that we weren’t even given the opportunity to see the other team do it. For Cochran, the Harvard educated Cochran, this simple act was more difficult than rocket science. He was so embarrassingly bad  that Jeff Probst commented about it.

After his tribe lost, Ozzy through a kanipchen fit. (I don’t really know what a kanipchen fit is but I had a friend growing up who would throw a colossal temper trantrum and his mom called it a kanipchen fit. That is the only accurate description for Ozzy’s tirade.) Ozzy ran around hitting and kicking things. The only thing he didn’t hit, Cochran, was the one thing he really wanted to hit. Ozzy’s tirade against Cochran’s performance lasted late into the night. It also brought Cochran to the point of tears.

I can’t forget that after Coach’s team won the challenge he gathered his whole team into a prayer circle, had them get on their knees, and thanked God for the victory. You read that right. No, I am not joking. Coach really had his tribe do that.

Like I said, the challenge was ordinary but the extracurricular activities were Eliza worthy.

One thing we know about Ozzy from his previous two seasons on Survivor, he likes to win. He is a challenge dominator. His downfall has always been his strategic game. I am now willing to go out on a limb and say while Cochran might be the worst physical competitor in Survivor history, Ozzy is likely the worst strategic player in Survivor history.

Ozzy comes back from the immunity challenge and verbally abuses Cochran. He brings him to tears. He announces to his tribe that Cochran must go! Of course, the entire tribe agrees. My 89 year old grandma would be more of a help in challenges than Cochran. It was amusing to watch Cochran’s tribe try to pump him up for his impending Redemption Island challenge. They all put on their best Tony Robbin’s hats and tried to motivate him to dominate Christine once he gets there. But lets be honest, Cochran couldn’t beat my 80lb daughter arm wrestling even if he had taken steroids and downed a dozen 5 hour energies.

So it looks like Cochran is going to Redemption Island to inevitably lose to Christine and head back to his couch where he will sit for the remainder of his life. But no, Ozzy has a dream that he should go to Redemption Island instead. YES, A DREAM! I have had stupid dreams before, I typically blame it on the bad pepperoni pizza I had the night before. Ozzy then convinces his tribe to vote him out instead. If Eliza would have been at this tribal council her jaw would have literally fallen off!

So Ozzy gets his wish and sprints off to Redemption Island. Oh, I forgot to mention, before he left he gave his hidden immunity idol to Cochran.

Seriously, he did.