Last November, I got a phone call from Fight Pastor asking if I wanted to go to UFC 106. It was happening the same week as my birthday. If you did not know UFC 106 was held at the MGM Grand in Las Vegas. I could not think of a better way then to celebrate your birthday in Vegas. Little did I know that this would not be your typical Vegas experience. Some would hope for something that would resemble The Hangover. But let me tell you the closest that we got to the movie, was watching it at 9pm at night in our room before we went to bed.

Unlike Kermit, Fight Geek (who was also on the trip) and I ended up getting bumped to first class on the plane. That is just one of the awesome perks traveling with Fight Pastor. I had never been in First Class so I did not know what to expect. When I was seated, they handed me a water bottle the size of my pinky. After I stretched my legs admiring the leg room, I did what I typically do on a flight, put on my headphones and start to fall asleep, punking the person next to me letting them know that I do not want to engage in conversation about beans (that’s a story for a different day). But as I started to close my eyes, I thought to myself, this will only happen once so I might as well take it all in. So I put on a movie and waited for that awesome meal that I have heard so much about. Apparently times are not just hard on the ground but there is also a recession in the skies. The meal was not awesome. If I wanted leaves and pita bread then I was in heaven. But I did not, I wanted steak. So just to let you know first class meals are not good unless you are a vegan. But who cares, I could stretch my legs (Which was nice since I had a torn meniscus in one leg and a worn out acl in the other).  When we got off the plane we had a limo waiting for us. Trust me do the limo, a taxi is just 20 dollars cheaper. The limo driver told us that we got bumped up to a stretch because they were all out of the smaller ones. But the best part was the limo driver’s sign that read “Flight Pastor”. So for the rest of the trip we called him Flight Pastor.

First stop was the Mandalay Bay. The Lobby experience was enjoyable (Heavy on the sarcasm). We stood there for at least 45 minutes as Flight Pastor negotiated his way to a better room while getting distracted by fighters. We finally got there and Flight Pastor, Fight Geek and I all do different things when we arrived to the room. I ironed all my clothes and hung them up. Fight geek went to the bathroom; I think the Pita went straight through him. Flight Pastor started to get on the Computer, he says he was writing a blog and downloading pictures; personally I think he was farming on Farmville.

Next on the list was what you might consider crazy or fun depending who you are. For me it was Crazy at times and fun other times. This past time that I am referring to is stalking fighters. Just so you know if you got to Vegas with Flight Pastor this is what you will be doing 80% of the time.

I will never forget my first fighter stalking; it lasted almost a full two days. For the first couple of minutes I felt like CTU trying to catch Jack Bauer. Flight Pastor was getting other autographs with Fight Geek and they wanted me to follow Rumble Johnson. Rumble Johnson is not only a skilled fighter but an excellent ditcher. As I was following him I noticed he was on the phone. I wanted to give him respect and not bug him so I gave him distance until he got off the phone. Unfortunately, he was on the phone long enough for me to grow a beard (check out the pics on facebook). I followed him for at least 30 minutes. At this point I could care less about an autograph or picture, I just wanted to know how his battery could last that long without dying and also how I could get one. Finally after many escalators, slot machines, and pools he ditched us. Flight Pastor and Fight geek finally caught up with me after a long game of phone tag. Flight Pastor started to rag on me for being a nube. I hadn’t stalked anyone since freshman year of high school so I was a little out of practice (don’t ask). But this guy ditched all three of us as we were closing in…Crazy. However we waited outside the press conference the next day, where all the fighters were and took pictures with them as they walked out. Rumble Johnson was the first to come out. He left the press conference early telling them that he had been ditching some fans for the past couple of hours and felt bad…fun.

By time day two rolled around I had embraced the idea of getting stuff for free. We went to the WEC event where Jose Aldo pummeled Mike Brown for the first time; causing mike Brown to lose the title. Wait, sorry I am getting ahead of myself. When we first arrived to the Palms we met Chuck Liddell and Brian Broyles outside the WEC event.  Fight geek and I bought memorabilia that we could wear. We did not want to look like a couple of ritards (Hangover reference). The three of us then began to sit in our nose bleed seats. We noticed that our area was full and the rest of the arena was empty. So Flight Pastor and I asked if we could sit in the front row of the stands before the main event and when the show becomes live we will move back to our seats. They said that would be fine. Little did we know that no one claimed the seats we had for the whole night. So, we got to see the fights perfectly in the front row. Every time the camera was on us, we acted like crazy idiots. I told the guys that if we didn’t we were not doing the seats justice.

Let me fast forward through the week to UFC 106, because nothing really happened except Fight Pastor and I got into a fight about people going to movies, I paid a $30 dollar cab ride to buy Star Trek on Blu Ray, and other fight stalkers had a kid that threw up everywhere and they didn’t clean it up nor did they stop him from hugging the fighters when they came up to them.
The UFC event was a totally different atmosphere the WEC event. The WEC fight was in the palms which if you have been there it seats maybe 700, the MGM Grand seats 60,000. Still having the mentality of getting stuff for free, Flight Pastor and I sneak down to get autographs from fighters on the floor. We saw “The Iceman” again and went for it. As we got close he stopped signing autographs and taking pictures. Everybody started to leave or sit in their seats. I noticed that no one was sitting in the seats we were occupying in the front row. I told Flight Pastor we should sit here. As I looked around everyone was dressed in suits and had some super model chick with them. Flight Pastor informed me that these were $500 seats and if we got caught they would kick us out. I told him that we got upgraded to first class on a plane, instead of a normal limo we got a stretch, our room was upgraded to a bigger one, and we got to see the WEC event in the front row. Not to mention the day before I gambled with $30 and walked away with $42. I have successfully screwed Vegas and our luck is not running out. So we stayed. He continued to take pictures in his kaki cargo shorts and mma t-shirt and I sat there like I owned the place wearing jeans and a Silver Star shirt (we did not fit in at all). About 5 min later a security guard came up to us. (I almost crapped my pants) he told Flight Pastor that he was not allowed to take pictures with his camera because it had a detachable lens. So Flight Pastor had to go back and check it in, leaving me to fend for myself. The lights went down and the event began. Lights started flashing, music blaring, and fans were going ballistic. Still. I looked all the way back to our seats and saw Flight Pastor with Fight Geek. The first fight was on its way and still nothing. First round down and people were being seated and nothing. Second round and nothing. The beginning of the third round and I saw a massive group of people walking over from the tunnel. Two super models looked at there tickets and looked at me. Then I saw them start to ask the security guard where there seat was. I made like the flash and walked up the steps and did not look back. It may have been short lived, but for a sec I lived it up.

The rest of the trip was anti-climatic, 6 days in Vegas; stalking fighters got a little long. But it was definitely an experience that I will never forget. Thanks Flight Pastor and Fight Geek for a fun and memorable birthday.

Kermit, t0o bad that you did not get to ride first class; I still remember when you laid on top of me choking me out. Well I got be in first class and sit in the first row at a UFC event and meet almost every fighter…so with that, you have just been punked!!! Just kidding, I love you Kermit like a skinny kid loves salad.

Josh Koscheck wins for punk of the night. Not only did he win a fight that was arguably the worst fight I have ever watched (next to Big Country laying on Kimbo), but he had the biggest flop in the world, was sucker punched after the last bell, and pissed off a room of Canadians. He did all of this in a half an hour. Thats impressive, what will even be more impressive is to see G.S.P. destroy him in Dec. and then to watch Rumble Johnson get a rematch. So Josh will get two beatings back to back.

Josh there is room for one fight punk and it’s not you. You may have won the fight, but you still are a little girl for faking that hit to the head.

…And with that you have just been punked!!!

Growing up in the 209 I have gotten into many unnecessary fights. I did not know what in arm bar was or a rear naked choke; if I would have my fights may have turned out differently. So here are some fights that were popular when I was a kid that you will probably never see in the octagon.

The first is 1…2…3…4 I declare a thumb war. This form of fighting is less aggressive then what you might experience in the octagon, but it could take twice as long. Stamina is the key factor to winning this fight. The way one may train for this is thumb curls. It’s where you take a wad of Q Tips tape them together and put it in the crease of your thumb and began to curl up. This may seem easy, but you also have to factor in balance of the Q Tips on thumb. Now my dad was really good at this, because he was double jointed. This is also a nice trait to have. Unfortunately not everyone is double jointed. My advice is dislocating your thumbs. Yes, this is painful, but as my thumb war trainer used to say, “NO pains NO gain….Thanks dad. Then there is the tag team method. Not too many people know about this, because I created it. When you know that this thumb match is getting a little long and you are both pulling away, you then extend your index finger out as if to make a gun with your hand and then pull it back latching on to the other person’s thumb causing a double pin. I have never lost using this move.

The next one that you will never see in the octagon is arm wrestle contest. This one is a little more known style of fighting thanks to the 80’s movie Over the Top featuring Sylvester Stallone. Training is the same as you would for any other upper strength sport. However you can always tell who the amateur or pro arm wrestler is by comparing the upper body to the lower body. It is sort of like taking the “Far Side Cartoon” and putting it in reverse; big upper body and wimpy lower body. Unfortunately for those have been pumping iron or who have been turning there trucker hats backward the key to this is positioning. There was this kid on my block that thought he was “the man” and he challenged me to arm wrestling, he had a few extra pounds on me and I was reluctant at first because I was what you would call scrawny. The kid beat me two out of three. Later that night I went to my fight trainer (dad) and asked for his help. He was delighted that the topic was not on video games so he showed me some techniques. The next day I beat him 2-1. I did it by positioning; position of my body, hand, and legs. First let’s start with the body. You can not be a slouchier and make it pro. You have to be upright so when they say go you can lean your body into the direction that your arm is moving. The second part of positioning is your legs. Most of the time you are at a table, people can not see what is going on underneath, sort of like a duck in water. On the surface everything is going fine, but underneath your legs are in a steady strong position, this helps your body stay balanced. And last but not least your hand. I call this the Alpha male. As an Alpha male myself I like be on top (no I wont go there). The top of my class, the top of the internship I was in, the top in my company, and be on top in arm wrestling. So when you start your hand has to immediately make its way on top of the other guy so you can win and have the advantage. If you do all three of these things and still lose my only advice for you is to go back to thumb wars.

These are just two examples of some fights…stay tuned for more

…and with that you have just been punked!!!

As I punk I do not like to make predictions (I like to say I told you so after the fight), but I will make an exception this go around, because I am really excited for the main event for fight card Jan 11. Being a huge Diaz fan I am going to say he will win. Its about time that Maynard has a 1 in the loss category and Diaz needs to reclaim his belt and this will be the first step to do it. I predict that Diaz will choke out Maynard 2 min into the second round. I know fight pastor and probably the frog disagree.

Nick “the jersey Devil” Catone vs. Jesse “Kid Hercules” Forbes

How do these guys get there nicknames? They are as bad as Kermit. But I think Kid Hercules will win. But since I know very little I will venture a knockout.

Gerald Harris vs. John Salter

Gerald “Hurricane” Harris is going to win with a knockout in the first minute of the second round.

Kyle Bradley vs. Rafael Dos Anjos

Kyle will win with a choke in the third round

Mike Guymon vs. Rory Macdonald

I do not know much about these fighters but from what I have read I will go with Mike in a split decision.

Thiago Tavares vs. Nik Lentz

Nik, I am sorry but you will not beat Thiago, I see you getting knocked out I just do not know when.

Rick Story vs. Jesse Lennox

Jesse lennox is known for his ground and pound so look for this early on. Rick needs to stay up. Unfortunately I think Rick will win.

Chris Leban vs. Jay Silva

Sorry Chirs Leban fans, but I like Jay Silva. I predict he will choke Chris out towards the end of the first round.

Amir Abdullah vs. Brad Blackburn

Amir, oh how you have been missed. I want you to beat Brad and shut everyone up. I don’t care and I know this is not a prediction it’s a statement. Amir will win!!!

Amir is due a win. However I think this fight will go the distance.

Tom Lawlor vs. Aaron Simpson

Aaron simpson with a knockout towards the end of the second

Efrain Escudero vs. Evan Dunham

Efrain will win this in a split decision.

And with that you have been punked!!!  GO NATE DIAZ!!!

If I could I would kick Comcast in the junk, how disappointing that you drop the ball with your cash cow( pay per view) on a sat night. The whole state was down because of some failure. So no one in the state got to see the fight, until we came up with the brilliant idea, of streaming it off UFC.com. So if you live in the state of Washington allow me to fill you in.

Kenny Florian   vs. Clay Guida

What a blood bath, But then again I do not remember the last time I did not see Guida bleed all over someone. I asked myself why, and this is it. He’s a spaz, Tasmanian devil. Did you ever watch Taz run through walls as a kid? Well, Guida met a wall and his name was Kenny. Kenny the favorite showed why. Yeah Guida got some lucky hits in and bloodied him up a little bit, but in the end Clay “the Tasmanian devil” Guida got knocked out and then choked, for the tap out. Hey Clay, cut your hair and breathe, you move to much in the octagon with nothing to show forth then a bloody face

Frank Mir vs.  Chieck Congo

You know how they say God will come back in a twinkling of an eye. Well same thing can be said for Frank Mir. With a twinkling of an eye Frank Mir shut up those who said he was done after the Lesner fight of UFC 100. A minute 20 into the fight Congo was choked out after getting a vicious blow to the face. Mir I think is ready, but I still do not know if this new weight that Mir has packed on will allow him to be at Lesner’s status. My hope is Kimbo gets the best training possible and develops some cardio and next year Dec we see Kimbo battle the enemy(not to be confused with the “inner me”) Lesner for the belt.

Diego Sanchez vs B.J. Penn

Have you heard that expression “beat like a red headed step child”? Well I don’t think Diego is a red head and do not know if he is a step child, but I do know he got the stuffing knocked out of him for 5 rounds. I do not agree with the fight pastor on this one he is not a winner. All he showed is he could take a beating. It would have been one thing to take a beating trying new things each round, but dude if you could not take him down the first 5 times what makes you think you would have taken him down the next 5? It was embarrassing to watch him shoot in time after time, when only one person in UFC history has been known to drop B.J. (G.S.P.) and his name was not Sanchez. BJ how ever looked awesome. Stayed poise and looked good, How ever Diego looked gassed and now will need stitches. Yes, Diego has heart, b8t that only gets you so far, he did not have the talent that BJ came in the ring with. I enjoyed the fight for the first 2 rounds but after that I knew it was over for Diego. BJ I still think GSP is better, but I think that will happen the same way it happened to you…lose. But that does not matter because Nate is on his comeback….

I would love to comment on the other fights but I can not having not been able to view them…thanks a lot Comcast.

And with that you have just been punked